Working through loss

Let’s face it death is a sure thing & it sucks for those left behind.  When we or someone we know are grieving it’s hard to know where to turn.  Here are a few thoughts on working through it.

Some Myths and facts about grief

It’s important to learn about these myths-they can get in the way of your healing.

Myth: The pain of loss will go away faster if you ignore it.

Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will not make it go away.  Instead, facing your grief and dealing with it actively can help bring about true healing.

Myth: It’s important to “be strong” in the face of loss.

Fact: Feeling sad, frightened or lonely-or having other similar emotions-is a normal reaction to loss.  Crying or breaking down doesn’t mean you’re weak.  You don’t need to “protect” your family or others by putting on a brave front.  Showing your true feelings helps them and you.

Myth: If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss.

Fact: Crying is a normal response to sorrow, but it’s not the only one.  Those who don’t cry may feel the pain of loss just as deeply as others.  They may simply have other ways of showing or coping with it.  They need just as much support and comfort from others.

Myth: Grief should last about a year.

Fact: There is no right time frame for grieving.  How long it takes to recover from loss can differ widely from person to person.

Myth: Moving on with your life means you’re forgetting the one you lost.

Fact: Moving on means you’ve accepted our loved one’s death.  That’s not the same as forgetting.  You can adjust to a new life while always keeping your loved one’s memory a party of you.

Myth: When a death is expected, all grieving is done in advance.

Fact:  People often do start grieving ahead of an expected death-for example, a terminal illness.  But as prepared as a person may feel the actual death can still cause intense reactions.

Myth: Friends can help the mourner by not bringing up the subject of his or her loss.

Fact: People who are grieving usually want and need to talk about their loss-often over and over.  Bringing up the topic can give a mourner an opening for talking.  But if he or she doesn’t seem to want to talk, don’t pry or force conversation.

Myth: A good way to express sympathy is to say “I know how you feel.”

Fact: Everyone feels grief in a different way.  It’s probably not possible for anyone to know exactly what another person is going through after a loss. Saying “I know how you feel” can make a mourner feel like you’re making light of his or her pain. 

Ideas for helping someone else who is grieving.

• ·         Call, text or send a card.  Be there for months after! (not just till the funeral is over)
• ·         Be a good listener. Encourage the person to share feelings and thoughts. 
• ·         Offer practical help: Cook, clean, run errands look after the kids.

If you feel like you don’t know what to do or how to help try asking the grieving person what you can do to help.